A Lesson in Forgiveness

This is probably one of the hardest chapters to write as I will be bearing my soul and short comings. But now more than ever I feel this is the time to share this part of my journey.

If you know me and love me in real life, just know that what I am about to say shaped me into the person I am today. 

Growing up I was told to save sex for marriage. I am not faulting my family at all, but it wasn’t talked about. Now as an adult, I can see that it wasn’t talked about because of the era they grew up in. When it was talked about “not doing it”, it was more in a “shameful” manner. I remember phrases like “your great grandpa would roll over in his grave”. “French kissing leads to sex” “Your doctor can tell” “you can get pregnant on your period”

Family history lesson that I feel contributes to this. My Great Grandfather, whom I never met, my grandfather, and my dad were and are Missionary Baptist Preachers. 

What I never heard was how God intended sex to be between a husband and a wife and how special that is. I was never told how having sex would affect me emotionally. Granted, in school we were taught about STD’s and pregnancy.  No one ever share the emotional weight that you carry with those choices.

It wasn’t until just recently that I came to realize all the attention I got in high school was probably because I was someone the boys were trying to conquer. I was a straight A student, ended up being the valedictorian, athletic, cheerleader, didn’t drink or party. Looking back, they were probably just seeing how far they could get. I’m not going to go into graphic details, but I wasn’t the good little girl everyone thought I was. Even though one of them tried to convince me to have sex, I graduated high school a virgin. I know we were not the first generation to do what we did and we won’t be the last, but I hope by sharing my experience I can help others to avoid the heartache that I caused for myself.

Fast forward to the winter of my freshman year of college. I had been dating a boy for about 9 months or so. Of course we fooled around as kids do. The kicker though, the first time we had sex it was an accident, a mis-interpretation of words. I remember saying, “I know what would feel better”, I wasn’t meaning intercourse, but the situation leant itself to that and that is how he took it. Of course as an 18 year old boy, he was eager. I was willing and could have said no, but I didn’t. This continued on until that relationship ended. At the time of all of this, I was Lost. I was Saved later in the relationship, and it ended not long after that. 

Fast forward to senior year of college. After a workout at cheerleading practice, I was taking one of the guys home. I was pretty wiped out and weak after the workout. I had my tonsils removed the month before and man was it rough at 21. But he said “you shouldn’t have slept with that guy”. Not sure if he was joking or not, but that is the first time I actually opened up to someone about the relationship I had been in. Back story here, I was at a Baptist University, so this was totally taboo. Which is a whole other issue. Why is it not talked about??? This is something I hope to change. I am using my experiences to help others. Any who, side tracked there. We would hang out before and after practice some and became friends. I lived off campus and out of town, so I would usually grab food and hang in town between class and practice. His was an easy place to go. I’m not really sure when it happened, but we ended up becoming sexual. Honestly there wasn’t a relationship there at all other than mutual satisfaction. It sounds very cold and horrible and it really was looking back. I think I was seeking something and didn’t know what it was. This went on a few months. Looking back, God was putting my husband in my path and silently making me aware of the Sin I was living. I saw him before I left for Europe, had what ended up being “good bye sex” and never saw him again. 

My husband and I started dating on that trip, a story for another chapter, but that closed the chapter of Sin I was living in. 

Okay, now time for how this turns into a story of FORGIVENESS…On the trip home from Europe, Jonathan and I were sitting next to each other talking and getting to know each other. He told me he had never had sex before. In my heart I said “I wish I could say the same” the words that came out of my mouth were a lie and honestly I can’t remember exactly what I said, hence the way with lies, but it was something along the lines of “me neither”. This would have been in June. Things started going really well and before long we knew we were the one for each other. Here I am stuck in this huge lie, knowing that I needed to tell him but not knowing how, or if it would be the end of the relationship. During the time I was feeling really convicted that I needed to tell him the truth, he was out of the state on a hunting trip and I was taking my hunter’s education course. He was in remote Colorado and we didn’t have much opportunity to talk and the weekend that he was going to be home, I was in class for my course. I knew I needed to talk to him as soon as possible though. I remember going to his apartment that Friday night after the course let out for the evening and sitting on his bedroom floor and told him. I don’t remember what I said exactly, but probably that I needed to tell him the truth or that I hadn’t be honest with him and that I had a sexual relationship in the past. For time reference here, this was early 2000’s, his truck still had a cassette player. He told me about his trip home from Colorado. He was alone and listened to cassette tapes he had in the truck. I believe they were old sermons or bible lessons. Either way, the focus of what he was listening to was forgiveness. He didn’t know why he was being taught that at the time but after I opened up to him, he knew. He forgave me for lying and we moved on, two years later we were married. Now, I only told him about the first relationship. I didn’t feel the need to bring up the second relationship and honestly thought I would carry it with me for the rest of my life. 

It wasn’t until 19 years later during a road trip just the two of us that I told him about the other relationship. We spent nine hours in the car and never turned on the radio once. We talked and asked random this or that questions the whole time. It was great. After one stupid comment/question I made, it took me right back to college and the other relationship. The words were in my heart and I knew I needed to tell him. I prayed about it and felt that I really needed to tell him. Why I needed to tell him after we’ve been together for 19 plus years, married for 17, I have no idea. The timing wasn’t ideal. It was raining. We were on unknown roads and I didn’t want to distract him. But I laid it all out there. I’m still not sure of the reason behind telling him at this point. I’m not sure how it will play out either, as it just came out a few hours ago. He did say that he wasn’t talking due to the rain and that he didn’t want me to think he just didn’t want to talk to me. We got to our destination, ended up with two queen beds in our hotel room. I sat down and started working on this section, he worked on our business. Nothing has been said. Went to dinner with friends, everything was great. Back to the room. I’m on one bed, he’s on the other. Is he avoiding me? Does he think I’m more focused on writing? I need him to address the revelation and come to me and accept me again after I laid all my deep dark secrets out there. I don’t want this to be between us, but I don’t want to initiate anything until he comes to me. Sometimes my stubbornness can get in the way. I hold my thoughts and feelings in and don’t vocalize them until they explode. I’m not worried about us though, I know we will move past this and be just fine. I’m waiting to see what God has in store for this.

After a couple of months, I’ve realized that the reason for telling him was for freedom and peace within myself. I had to speak the truth and let the past go. I have been free from that sin ever since and am continuing to grow stronger every day. 

If you have made it this far, know that your worth comes from within and you are worth so much more than others can lead you to believe. You are not something to conquer, you are a gift. If you find yourself on the same path I took, know there is redemption ahead. It isn’t easy, but with God all things are possible. I had to seek forgiveness from God, the Church, my Husband, and myself. Probably forgiving myself was the hardest of all. If you find yourself tempted, know that waiting truly is worth it. The regrets and emotional pain aren’t worth the moments of pleasure you might feel. It will leave you feeling empty and alone in the long run. Fill your life with love for yourself and the Lord and in His time the your spouse will come along and the wait will be worth it.